Losing My Life

The Savior taught His apostles an eternal truth when He said, "For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it" (Matthew 16:25).

For months after coming home from my mission, my mind and heart were full of regret and pain, especially as I thought of my future. At times, I heard people say that an individual's mission was a microcosm for the rest of his or her life, a predictor as to how faithfully they would walk the covenant path. That planted a seed in my mind that because I had not been my definition of the "perfect missionary," I could not be the faithful, contributing member of the Church that I had always envisioned being. I had had my chance, and I had blown it. I felt like I could only ever be a second-rate citizen in God's kingdom, no matter how hard I tried. 

Writing that makes me flinch. It's embarrassing to admit that that was how I felt, when all my life I had been taught and, as a missionary, taught others, that the Atonement of Jesus Christ washes away our sins and heals our hearts, giving us a new page every day on which to write the stories of our lives. But the adversary had me. He had convinced me that the bright future I had hoped for as a disciple of Jesus Christ could never be. I feebly told myself his lies weren't true, that God still had a plan for me, but I couldn't feel it in my heart. And that lack of reassurance scared me and further compounded the conclusion I had reached that my future would always be shadowed by my past.

Then a call came to serve in my ward. It filled my time outside of school and work with visits and calls and planning and collaborating. I was getting to know lots of people in my ward—their hopes, their dreams, their disappointments, their struggles. I was praying and fasting for their needs and pleading with the Lord to guide and comfort and heal where and what I could not (so, basically everything!). Haha I remember feeling frustrated that I had to go to school and work because all I wanted to do was serve. It filled me with a motivating sense of purpose and fire. 

And then one day, a few months later, I realized something amazing.

My mission didn't hurt me anymore.

Somewhere amidst the Tupperwared meals, the texts, the between-class conversations on campus, the evening talks on the swing seat, my pain had melted away. I was no longer plagued by the corrosive thoughts that had circuited endlessly through my brain in those months after coming home. I realized that for the first time in nearly a year, there were no nagging doubts, no clouding sense of permanent loss undergirding everything else. My mind and my heart were quiet, finally at peace.

Yet they were also filled with renewed enthusiasm. When I thought of my future, I saw endless opportunities to do and to be good. My calling was teaching me that reality. There were needs all around, and God trusted me to help fulfill them now and wherever they arose in the future. My calling even helped me to see that I was better able to serve because of the mistakes I had made as a missionary. I was more compassionate and able to reach out in ways I wouldn't have had it not been for my mission experience. I was given the opportunity to learn from those "failures" and to give the Lord and His work my heart in a new, complete way.

In that moment of realizing the memories of my mission did not hurt me anymore and that my future was as bright as I could hope for, my mind immediately went to the scripture in Matthew:

The Spirit confirmed to me in that moment that the peace that had, unbeknownst to me, filled my heart was directly correlated to my attempts to live this eternal truth. 

I guess I thought that the mission was the ultimate pass or fail test of losing my life. But since this experience with serving in my ward, I have realized again and again that the call to lose my life was not limited to the mission field. It is the call of a lifetime because it is the call given to disciples of Jesus Christ. Wherever I go, God gives me opportunities to forget myself in serving others, in even the most minute ways. I guess He had to make an official calling of it to get my attention, but He has it now, and I've tried to be a good student:) And the lessons have changed me forever. Life post-mission can be every bit as meaningful and wonderful as life during full-time service! God's children will always have need of helping, loving hands, and we all can be those hands, whether or not we wear a badge.

All this is to say that as I have tried to lose my life in the work of God—wherever and whenever He calls—

I have found a life worth living. 

Anika

No Effort Is Wasted

One of the toughest challenges post-mission was the question that circuited through my head over and over: what good did I do?

I felt like I had worked, and worked hard. I had done things I had never done before and never could have for any other reason. It was a struggle for me to talk to people all day, every day, and while I wasn't perfect at it, I did so much more than I ever thought possible. But I felt like I didn't see anything come of it. I wanted to see the light in people's eyes as I told them about the Book of Mormon and its teachings of Jesus Christ. I wanted to see them come to church and to hear them say that it was what they had been looking for their whole lives. I wanted to see them make changes in their lives and be baptized and continue on the covenant path so that they could more fully follow in the footsteps of the Savior.

So when I didn't see what I wanted and expected to see, I was discouraged. Why had I been there when little seemed to change or improve despite my sweat and tears and incessant prayers?

I've realized since that those questions are not limited to the mission field. I've run into them as a visiting teacher, as a tutor, as a friend. They circulate through families as parents struggle to teach and support children, as siblings ache for each other's choices, as spouses reach the end of their rope, unsure of what more they can give to love and to hope.

I'm sure you can think of your own experiences when you felt like nothing you were doing made a difference. Few things are more frustrating than feeling like your efforts have been wasted. I believe that is because inside each of us is an inherent goodness that wants to reach out and uplift and improve the lives of others. What, then, when even our very best efforts don't seem to make a scratch?

For me, it came back to Alma 32:21. I had to hope for things that I could not see. I had to hold onto the hope that my efforts had not been wasted. I had to believe that the good I had done was impactful even if it did not manifest itself in tangible ways.

I began to notice promises in the scriptures that supported this kind of hope. Doctrine and Covenants 6, for instance, is full of the Lord's declarations that every worthy endeavor can have its challenges, but for those who persevere, there are celestial blessings to be had. One poignant blessing is laid out in v. 33:

"Fear not to do good, my sons, for whatsoever ye sow, that shall ye also reap; therefore, if ye sow good ye shall also reap good for your reward."

I cannot tell you how many times this scripture has brought me comfort. In those moments when I have felt discouraged and overwhelmed by a seeming lack of progress, I remember that what matters is that I "do good." That is all the Lord asks of me. My call is to generate goodness, kindness, love, mercy, forgiveness, charity. The exact impact and resulting consequences of those, I don't factor into. But He has promised me that it won't be in vain. If I sow good for Him, I will also reap good for my reward. What form that takes, I trust Him to shape. He knows what is best for me, and when the time is right, the harvest comes in the most meaningful ways. I don't always—haha or ever—see the big picture, but I trust that He does:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."

These verses from Isaiah 55 are some of my favorite. They help me to put my trust in a Heavenly Father who has a plan and a purpose, even and perhaps especially where I find blank spaces and question marks. These verses also introduce one of the loveliest images in all of scripture, one that reassures me once again that good done in God's name can never fall short of His eternal purposes:

"For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:

"So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

"For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.

"Instead of the thorn shall come up the fir tree, and instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree: and it shall be to the Lord for a name, for an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off."

God sent me on a mission to Italy. He sends me to be a visiting teacher and a friend. He sends us to be sisters, brothers, parents, mentors, missionaries, Good Samaritans, and I wholeheartedly believe that "[we] shall not return unto [Him] void."

If you can get your hands (or your eyes, I suppose, via the Internet ;)) on the Oxford English Dictionary, look up the word void. Here are a few of its definitions:

-empty or destitute of good qualities; worthless
-ineffective, useless, leading to no result
-powerless, unable
-lacking, wanting

The Lord promises us that His word—and I believe that when we go in His name to serve, to love, to do good, we constitute part of that word—will not return unto Him void. Our efforts will not be worthless, useless, powerless, or lacking.

Rather, God will make out of our efforts a garden, full of life and beauty. What He sends, prospers. That prosperity often comes in unexpected ways, but it comes. He is the Master Gardner who sees and knows our lives from beginning to end, and in His infinite wisdom and love, is designing it to be the perfect garden for each of us.

So. Don't be afraid to do good. Don't let discouragement choke out your desire to do good, even if you don't see the results you want or expect. Believe that God is making a beautiful garden out of your life as you go about doing good in His name. Your efforts are not in vain, nor are they void. You are a valued child of almighty God who is working through you to bless His children.

Thank you for doing and for being good—no matter what.

Anika