As the lecture went on, a random thought sidelined me. I opened a note on my computer and wrote a decent-sized paragraph as sentence after sentence came to my mind. It went something like this: "Remember how on the mission there were times I just wanted to fast-forward to being home and going to school and all that? And now how I wish I could go back and tell myself in those moments to cherish every second as a missionary, to give my all while I could because eventually that window of full-time missionary service would close? Life now is the same. Career, marriage, family, those will all come with time. Don't waste a second of your time now as a BYU student, as a YSA in wishing to fast-forward to the next phase of life. Don't be anxious about the future. Let it come when it is time. Be in the moment—that is the best formula for meaningfulness and joy."
As I finished jotting that down, one last thought was tacked on the end: "You wanted to know you were hearing God's voice, right? You're welcome."
Yeah. It was pretty clear.
I recognized that this "random" thought was a direct answer to a few questions I've been mulling over for weeks as well as a remedy to the mental space I've been occupying of late. I've felt restless and anxious to get on with things, to get out of where I'm at. I just want to be married and have a family of my own and a job I love—that would be so much better than the murky, drifting sensation that accompanies single, college life. Right? (Smirk away, those of you who are further along in life's experiences ;)) This mental state has been so bad, in fact, that for the first time in my life, I've wanted to get out of school and never come back—which, to anyone who knows me, is a shocking admission (I almost made it to graduation from college before that kicked in—that's gotta count for something, right?;)). In short, I've been wishing to fast-forward to the "good stuff" so as to not have to keep trekking through the "interim" I'm living now.
So I just sat and read and re-read that paragraph for a few minutes, a bit in awe that God had so clearly sent me the message I had needed for weeks but hadn't realized. Funny thing is, it was a message I was already familiar with—somehow I'd just lost sight of it.
Soon after I came home from my mission, the Lord taught me that His timing is perfect (you can read about that experience here). It was the encouragement that allowed me to be at peace with my mission ending when I had wanted so badly to just go on. It helped me to look to my future with excitement and gratitude, knowing that what lay ahead was the Lord's plan for me in order to hone and mold and empower me to become the woman and daughter of God He wants me to be and that I want to be too.
So sitting there in class and receiving this inspiration, I was reminded that part of that message when I first got home from my mission was to yes, look to the future, but above all to enjoy the present. It's so easy for me to fall into the trap of wishing I were some different from where I am—working in a career that fills my soul, married to a man I love wholeheartedly and with whom I'm working towards eternity, caring for my own children, giving more of my time in the Church (#seniormissionyet?), etc.
But wishing, longing to be somewhere, sometime else can be dangerous. Worrying about or wishing for the future drains the present of its vitality. Time passes. I have no say in that—none of us does. What we do have a say in is what we do with those minutes and hours and days. These past two years have been full of learning and growth, and topmost among the insights I have gained is that I am happiest when I live in the moment. Of course it is paramount to have a vision of where we are going, to set goals of where we want to be in months and years down the road. But once we have established that, what counts is buckling down to living in the moment and working to reach where we've set our sights.
Like I said, I too often and too easily get down about things not happening yet. But what I'm learning is that falling into that slump a) is a choice, and b) has a cost. I can hole up in my room and stress out over not knowing exactly what I'm going to be doing after graduation, or I can spend that same time reading books I'm interested in or researching internships or jobs that might give me leads. I can bang my head against the wall telling myself I'll never be good enough publish anything I've written, or I can jot down that line of poetry that's been bouncing around in my head or actually submit what I've already written. I can eat a Ben and Jerry's pint of sorrows over not having a date Friday night, or I can pile into the car with my roommates for a Frosty run while singing at the top of our lungs (windows rolled down, of course, so everyone can enjoy our prodigious talent;)).
Here's just a sneak peek of those moments I've chosen to live in over the past months:
Plaid cooking roommate photo shoot (which admittedly was a parody of a photoshoot some friends in our ward did—shoutout to them;))
Spontaneous hammocking (which inevitably leads to good conversation)
Dropping into a cafe in Provo where they had an open mic night for poetry reading; I ended up reading two pieces of my own!
Signing up for the ward talent show—I can't even remember the last time I did that; I read a poem and a short essay I had written.
Post- random photoshoot after church on a lovely fall Sunday:)
(Huge thanks to my roommates and best friends; these beautiful women have been my angels over the past semester. I couldn't have asked for any greater blessing!)
I guess what I'm trying to say with all this is that I have an absolute conviction that God's timing is perfect. I may have completely righteous desires, like marriage and family or work that serves and uplifts God's children around me, but the process of arriving at those things is a fundamental part of Heavenly Father's shaping my life. This moment I'm living in right now is just as valuable as that moment years down the road when I have a family of my own. And if I don't choose to be here now and love being here, I know future me will look back and wish that I had just lived and let life come as it would.
It can be hard to do when disappointments and heartache come and you just want to stop hurting and instead be happy. But I've learned much more about God's grace in my pain than any other time. And for that, I am grateful that His timing hasn't been mine.
Don't let your life get away from you by wishing it would fast-forward. Have your vision and align your actions with that vision, and then let life bring its adventures in all their wonder and hardship. What you're hoping for will be all the more beautiful for the wait and the fight you've undertaken on its behalf.
Anika
P.S. (An important part of being in the present for me is learning from others, so if you have thoughts on how you've made life meaningful or how you've learned to live in the moment, feel free to comment or message me. I'd love to hear your insight!)
