I was particularly touched by the words of the Catholic father who said that the tabernacle was a symbol of God's desire to be with us. He then asked, "What do you do to be with God?" It's not enough, he continued, to show up in church or to be physically present in our personal worship, whatever form that might take. Being with God comes from the heart; it requires the whole soul. We have to reach out and ask God to help us see Him in our lives. "Seek ye diligently and ye shall find," right?
As I thought about what it means to be with God, I realized that it's been all too easy for me to slip into the rote, checklist mentality of worship. Morning prayer, check, scripture study, check, show up to church, sit through ward council, check, check, visit teach, go to the temple, index for a few minutes, check, check, check. But is it enough? It reminds me of Brother Ridd's devotional back in 2015 when he told his story about "reading for stars." He shared that his seminary teacher challenged the class to read The Book of Mormon; they kept track of each person's progress by placing stars on a chart for each book completed. Brother Ridd recalled that he kept pace and finished the challenge, but then he said, "[Do] you know what I [got] by reading the Book of Mormon? I know you are thinking 'a testimony,' aren’t you? But I didn’t. I got stars. I got stars because that was why I was reading. That was my real intent."
Sometimes, I feel like I'm just getting checkmarks. Does this ever happen to you? I've talked to many of my friends who have been home from their missions for a while, and it seems like most of us have experienced this sensation in our spiritual lives at one point or another. We're doing what our mission presidents challenged us to do (pray, study the scriptures daily, attend the temple, etc.), but sometimes it doesn't seem to reach our hearts. All we get out is checkmarks.
Let's be real—checkmarks have little satisfaction to them when it comes to spiritual things. Especially when we've tasted of the fruit, so to speak and know that there's more to be had. It can be incredibly frustrating to feel like you aren't "getting it," like your spiritual investment isn't paying off.
So this idea of being with God—being there in more than a rote way—particularly struck me. It's a question I've wrestled with ever since I've been home from my mission but have never put in quite those terms. So after this interfaith conference, I prayed about it daily, asking God to help me feel His presence in my life, to better understand how I could be with Him and be spiritually engaged in my worship.
I don't have the complete-package answer; I'll just put that out there up front. But I had an experience last week that was at least one answer to those prayers. So I hope sharing it with you will spark something and help the Spirit teach you what you can do to get out of the checkmark rut if you feel like that's where you are at.
Last week, I went to the temple. Since I've been home from my mission, I've made it a priority to make it to the temple regularly, but I had been feeling lately like I was doing the showing up part but not learning anything or getting anything profound out of it. So I prayed constantly in the days, even minutes, leading up to attending the temple. I wasn't looking for any earth-shattering revelation or for a vision of the rest of my life. If nothing else, I just wanted to feel God's presence, in whatever measure.
After the session, I was sitting in the celestial room. It was one of those perfectly peaceful moments. The stresses of school and work had fallen away. The clutter that builds up from week to week from just living in the world—the images, the news, the words, the messages in whatever form that weigh me down—had all been swept out. Sitting in the celestial room for me is like my mind and spirit becoming a perfectly calm, silver lake. The water is still and undisturbed; it is reflective of the celestial sky above. There is a sense of power and purpose and enlarged capacity; everything is put into proper perspective.
So there I was, with my mental lake, and the thought came to me, "I wish I never had to leave." And then it struck me that I was feeling what it means to be in God's presence. It's the stillness, the assurance, the empowerment of the temple and the feeling of never wanting to leave (a feeling I often experience in the temple, whether or not I feel like I've learned anything profound). He's been there every time, and I've felt His presence, but that morning, He helped me to better recognize it—because I asked, because I earnestly sought Him.
When I came home from the temple, I was still pondering how I could be with God and keep that sweet spirit of the celestial room with me beyond the temple walls. So I knelt by my bed with my scriptures and I sang a hymn aloud (my roommates were all gone thankfully;)). I couldn't tell you why, but singing hymns, especially ones I feel personally connected to, always brings the Spirit in a powerful way. It was especially true in that moment. I felt in a way words can't grasp that I was inviting God's presence into my life. He knew I was there, kneeling, singing, wanting desperately to feel. And He answered. He seemed to fill the whole room with His love and His awareness.
I can only speak for myself. I recognize that you or others you know may not experience what I do in the same way when it comes to spiritual matters. But in my life, I have found that God has never left me alone. President Nelson talks about seeking heaven with the kind of desperation a drowning man feels to get air. Whenever I have wanted God that badly, I've never been turned away. I know I've experienced that desperation in lesser and greater degrees as my circumstances have changed with time, but that wholehearted desire is the common denominator, if you will. As I have sought God with my whole heart, He has been there, ready, waiting, to answer my prayers.
Hmm the more I write, the more I realize how difficult it is to capture the vibrancy of spiritual experiences. #fallenworld #fallenwords. But I hope that you'll take a moment today to think about what you're doing to be with God. How are you reaching out to Him with your whole heart? And how has He been answering you?
I know that combining desire with righteous actions invites the windows of heaven to open and God's love to pour down into our lives. He lives. He loves us. And He wants to be with us.
We just have to want to be with Him too.
Anika
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